Damned if i do, Damned if i dont...
Writing is basically being paid to make shit up? Fuck I wish I could do that.
Incessant Twitter Ramblings- This blog is full of cats...
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- Now listen, I am here to explain my innocence in this case. And I will, as long as...I have your undevided attentiOMG SHE HAS THREE ARMS
- If you asked my Google search It would say I practically had a degree in boobs... Holla!
- RT @PuckingItUp: Of course I hold a grudge, I have a vagina. That's where I keep them.
- RT @DanKCharnley: let's get married, settle down and pick each other's scabs forever
- RT @seanyeatts: I know I get enough calcium because my penis has a toenail
- RT @DebraMuffin: It's dark in here. I can't find my boundaries.
- RT @KCCOTyler: I don't know why my gynecologist still flinches when I stroke his hair. He should be used to it by now.
- Jehova Witness: I'm here to talk to you about Jesus Christ. Me: Oh God he didn't lock himself in his cave again did he?
- RT @jjblonde84: If the phone doesn't ring, It's me.
- "What do you mean cupcakes dont go on sale for another 7 minutes? I have low blood sugar! I WILL FUCKING END YOU!" - Fat people... Probably
- RT @ShrinkMedia: My fucking camera won't stop ringing.
- RT @Just_Lee_: My husband just told me I'm looking a little bloated. So yeah, you could say he's into extreme sports.
- RT @KCCOTyler: Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10. It's simple meth.
- RT @FlashShumway: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY SON? Oh you said youre gonna fist a dude for crack? Thank God I thought you said "I'm gonna go list…
- RT @FlashShumway: I'm starting a petition to rename moths "I cant believe its not a butterfly”
- RT @FlashShumway: I gave up on math when I realized that drinking wasn't a solution to any of the problems
- RT @FlashShumway: Unicorns are just a bunch of attention whorses.
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Posts
- Jun 17, 13
Sometimes I think about all of the stupid people in the world... And how stupid they are and why I'm not super rich. Then I remember It's because I'm one of them.
And that is okay. Regretfully I will never be President... But thankfully for you guys, I will never be President. That shit looks hard. Especially the part where you have to eat sushi off naked ladies.If she's ticklish... Shits about to get messy up in this bitch.
I mean, if Julius Malema did it. How hard could it be right? Imagine being that girl, naked, eyes closed... Holding in a fart that could level a small Guatemalan Village. A little sweat mustache forming on your face, you start to whistle but as you do a tiny little phweep slips out. You clench shaking the table. A single piece of sushi can be heard thudding softly against the rough wooden finish... Silence... You squeak one eye open slowly to spot a table of onlookers staring down at you. Your eyes widen and you quickly sit up to find you have just given birth!
BOOM! Yea I bet you didn't see that coming. You sick individuals, we all know women don't fart. And you all know this is an actual show right? As in, this has happened enough times... To make a full on TV series about it!
Cashier: Would you like a bag ma'am?
Lady: No its ok
Cashier: So have you thought of a name yet? *nods over to the girls inflated belly*
Lady: A... Name? *peers down, then back up*
Cashier: For the baby!
Lady: Ooooh hahaha.. No, I'm not pregnant. I just went to all you can eat ribs awhile back and *pats belly*, it was never the same again.
<This dramatic reenactment works better if you remember this is shot in America... Probably at Walmart>
But back to woman not farting!
DOUBLE BOOM! They so do... I seem to have a talent for dating girls who feel the need to fart on me. Most while sleeping, occasionally while tickling them till they pass out. Sometimes even in the bath, like they think you wont notice a medley of bubbles conveniently rising up at the same time near there butt... And the fact that your citrus scented incense now smells like Shitrus.
So in closing, remember to always fart. Unless you're a lady, then always fart and say excuse me. - Jun 13, 13
Dear World,
It has recently developed that I am in the market for a new roommate... The specifics as to why I need a new roommate are simple. I killed the last one for drinking my beer.
Now we have that out the way, let me tell you what you will be getting.
This majestic, 2 bedroom granny flat is situated in the lovely rolling hills of Westville. Atop a culdesac, with a guard always at his post near the entrance. Not always awake, but his snores are quite a deterrent believe me. The rent is incredibly low due to the pesky zombie infestation we have but fear not, the actual establishment also comes with a vicious attack hound trained and ready to viciously lick and love any unsuspecting intruder to the point of catatonicism. Her name is "Bear", her middle name is "The Destroyer", her last name is "Fluffykins".... I rest my case.Oh and also she can fucking fly! (in very small bursts)The rent is a measly R1800, which include lights and water and THIS GUY!There are a few prerequisites before your application will be considered. Firstly anyone with Columbian ties, or who is a fan of Gareth Cliff... Get the fuck off my lawn.Second, you need to be clean. I'm not just talking about the occasional shower to scrub the smell of homeless person off you. Keep the living area clean and free of anything that could be knocked over if saaaaaaaay someone was playing tag with their dog (and winning).Kitchen and bathroom to be kept at least above "minor riot" status.The place is pet friendly (as i previously stated.. attack hound.. duh) but if you have an animal that has been known to stray it better know some means of kung-fu, or at least be too adorable to eat. Don't say I didn't warn ya!Besides that, ADSL internet is provided if you want to split the cost with me but not required if you are poor and don't enjoy streaming porn at high volume the way I do... Just kidding, I prefer Glee at full volume... Just kidding again... its still porn.6 month minimum contract to be signed with 1 month notice required. A sense of humor and maybe even a few mental illnesses are beneficial, but not required.If you are interested send me a message on Facebook or via my phone. Booking essential. - Jun 13, 13
But why? Followed by a very confused look is the response I have gotten from every single person who has laid eyes on my new shiny hand additions. The response I give is always something different. One was "Well, it was either this or my dick... My dick doesn't hate me now so, wise choice I guess". Another was "I'm being hunted by the FBI. They were tracking me through an implant in my hand and these block the signal."... Yes that last one was to impress a girl. No, no it did not impress her.
The real reason I can not tell you, because in all fairness I didn't really think it through. I knew I wanted to get stabbed somewhere and figured "Yea that's gona look sweeeeeeeeet."
Which of course brings us to!20 REASONS WHY PIERCING YOUR HAND IS A STUPID FUCKING IDEA1. Did you enjoy lifting things before? Well, good luck doing it with ONE HANDED FROM NOW ON!2. Brushing your teeth is now almost as awkward as the first time you had sex... Except it takes 10 times longer.3. If you enjoyed using a Loofah as your chosen cleaning device. Be prepared to get stuck inside it repeatedly, while soap sears the flesh around your wounds. As you flail around in a little cubicle, weeping softly to yourself while you slam against the walls and wriggle your hand till it comes loose.... It never comes loose.4. Left hand High 5 is now too dangerous5. Clapping... No6. Overhead clapping... No... But who does that anyway? *glares at the Christians in the room*7. Fighting a bear unarmed is at least 6% harder8. Remember when you were a kid and you went to the circus for the first time. That magical place with all its lights and amazement and people doing incredible things? Lion Tamer NO9. Juggler... NO!10. Trapeze? In your dreams princess.11. In fact... Even going TO the circus is probably not a great idea, what if they call you in as a volunteer?Ringmaster: And NOW! We shall call a volunteer! *crowd goes wild, except for you because you cant clap*You: Ahhh, Jesus ChristRingmaster: Maybe yoooooooouuuuu little girl?You: Yes, pick her, pick her!Ringmaster: Or maybe yoooooooooouuuuuu ma'am?You: YES... GO UP YOU LAZY GIT!Ringmaster: It is decided.... YOU! *points directly at you*You: Oh, uh, sorry... I just got my hand pierced and I cant really do much anymore *points to your hand*Ringmaster: .....You: .....Ringmaster: .....You: ..... It's really sore!12. Putting up a tent13. Masturbation with two hands14. Rowing15. Going through customs at an Airport and not looking suspicious16. Being a good role model for anyone below 10 years of age17. Explaining to anyone below 10 years of age why you got your hand pierced18. Pushing.... Stuff19. Pulling.... Stuff20. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand... Climbing... Anything... Ever... If you ever find yourself trapped down a Well? Yea, you're staying down there.... Lassie wont even be able to save your pierced, dumb ass... Idiot. - Jun 13, 13
It's called "I'm not a very good emo"
Ooooooooooooooh....
I slit my wrists with a potato, because I'm not a very good emo.
My heart is black... Ok more navy blue because I'm not a very good emoooo.
I wrote a poem, turned into a haiku because I'm not a very good emo.
This song is bad, bad rhymes with dad and even he, was not a very good emoooo.
*bows*.... Thank you.(Yea one of these needs to be beheaded and fed to starving children in Ethiopia... The other is a bird)(Really people of the internet? One of you fuckers thought THIS! *points up* was a good idea?.... Ok Jeff, we all know it was you. Just step forward, yes you, Jeff... Well ah, now don't cry... oooooomyGod this is awkward... *Slowly puts the mic down and begins shuffling away*) - May 31, 13Ever wonder what a bachelor gets up to after a night out of partying and a body filled with copious amounts of vodka?Talks to his dog with his hand with an <undisclosed> accent of course...
- Jun 13, 13
I got bear when she was just a newborn pup. Her parents, two Jack Russels. The mother was a crabby thing, chasing mailmen and monkeys alike. The father was a dick.
He found it quite funny to come into my house and piss on anything and everything he felt was a threat, I'm presuming he was a few ingredients shy of a full meal upstairs because to him, even my fridge was threatening.
And then we got the Great Danes.
Two horse like behemoth's arrived one day. I was later told that above breeding Jack Russells my landlords had decided giant kibble fueled shit bombarders were a great thing, to breed. Needless to say, my puppy grew up in a tough neighborhood. So it came as no surprise when the day we moved into our new apartment she met the German Sheppard and Labrador. By digging under the fence and with no fear whatsoever, dives into the Sheppard... She didn't seem to mind, maybe she saw a little bit of herself in Bear like some cheesy Disney movie. Maybe she was just saving her for a future snack.
Every day since she waits till we go to work and then heads out into the neighborhood getting up to all kinds of crazy shit I'm sure. Every second day, there is some new arbitrary object lying in the driveway. Suspiciously close to her. Feather dusters, shoes, the cat from next door. None were spared. When we get home she is always waiting, barking like the house was on fire and doing acrobatic dog stuff... Her nights are spent in bed, with me. She scratches a lot, but then so do I so I dont judge.
Two weeks ago she came on heat, Last week she escaped captivity for around 4 hours. This week I'm expecting her to dive through a window and elope with some foreign fucking breed who's an artist and dreams of traveling the world selling his sculptures... Made out of his own feces. - Jun 13, 13
My Jack Russel could have one or more of these inside her... And stay with me here but, what in the fuckity fuck is it...
*13 minutes of google, 12 on pictures of boobs*
"The Pomeranian (often known as a Pom or Pom Pom) is a breed of dog of the Spitz type, named for thePomerania region in Central Europe (today part of northern Poland and eastern Germany). Classed as a toy dog breed because of its small size, the Pomeranian is descended from the larger Spitz type dogs, specifically the German Spitz. It has been determined by the Fédération Cynologique Internationale to be part of the German Spitz breed, and in many countries, they are known as the Zwergspitz (Dwarf Spitz)."
So, it spits apparently... and looks like you could use it to clean a toilet. Until you smash its genes into one of THESE!I rest my case. Now we have a toilet scrubber with nuclear reactor amounts of energy... Fuck. My. Life. And fuck their lives too.. Can you imagine being white with a ginger afro? One more time people... - Jun 13, 13Almost 30I am 30 years old in exactly 80 days. I have had writers block for 10 years. Yes, I still call myself a writer. Ladies love writers.
We can thank Hank Moody from Californication for this Godsend. With such an alcoholic, sex addicted role model running around shoving his dick in every willing vagina he could find it opened up a world of possibilities for us hopeful and aspiring writers... I have had writers block for 10 years, I still call myself a writer. No I have never got laid by telling a girl I'm a writer. I do have a lot of sex though, more than I will admit... Ok I'm lying, I plan on admitting every sticky detail in due time... And for the low low price of reading this blog, all this information shall be yours! *crowd goes wild*This is my first post. It's not much and is definitely not worth reading. Hopefully by the time anyone finds this blog it will have taken you a good few hours to get this far back and you already want to name your first born after me because of all the awesome you just read... Hello *waves* my name is Greg, I am 30 years old in exactly 80 days. I have had writers block for 10 years.
